Catch - 22
by ailhsa23
Summary: April ponders over the mistakes she's made. Set between 9x09 and 9x10.


It was her fault.

Her lips folded and unfolded themselves for the past half hour as their voices echoed in her ears. Every now and then, she gave her intern an unfamiliar painted on smile every time he made a random remark about the flowers, or the surgeries they had planned for the upcoming week. In truth, she really did not care. Not now and certainly not for the rest of the afternoon.

Their laughter made her cringe like nails on a chalkboard. She closed her eyes and breathed, thinking of the happy place her therapist suggested. Each breath was sharp, like if she gasped for her very last. She hadn't done this in a while. Breathing was too hard.

Someone placed a hand on her bare shoulder and looked at her in concern. Instead of the piercing green she wanted, she found warm brown ones instead.

This was a mistake.

* * *

When she was a girl, her mother read the story of the boy who cried wolf too many times. In the end, when he was really in trouble, no one believed him. He was eaten.

Perhaps this gnawing ache in the middle of her chest was the beginning of her demise because she knew he wouldn't believe her this time.

She sank down on a bench outside of the church, closing her eyes as the flurry of voices filtered out through the open doors.

The bride never showed and the congregation saw it fit to speculate.

_Maybe she never loved him._

_No, she was just scared._

_She was married before; she knows what it's all about. Maybe the ball and chain thing wasn't for her the second time around._

Sometimes fear makes you do stupid things.

A bitter laugh escaped her lips, all the while her heart sank a little deeper.

That's what it really was, wasn't it? The fear?

* * *

She fiddled with the clasp on her purse while she walked out to find her car. She sent Shane away a while ago, feigning illness and she'd see him tomorrow. His enthusiasm never wavered about the next day, and what it might bring. He reminded her of herself, five, no six years ago. At least he saw this entire evening for what it really was. She wasn't so sure anymore.

A giggle caught her by surprise and she looked to her left where the limo sat. _'Just Married'_ was smeared across the window in white and she had the overwhelming urge to wipe it away. A bitter reminder of what was once hopeful in her eyes had gone up in flames, and all that was left was ash.

A couple clambered out of the open door. His fingers pressed lightly on her hips while she tried desperately to fix her hair. The woman's eyes locked in on hers and she froze.

April blinked as she heard her name, her nails dug into the satin of her purse. The intern blushed as her partner's grip tightened on her hips.

She gave them her best painted on smile, never once glancing in his direction. She walked on with the eyes of a blind man feeling her back burn from his stare.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

* * *

It took a few days for her to realise what this all meant. To understand what happened when every step you took felt like it would be the last, or every movement sent pain shooting across every inch of her tiny frame.

Meredith found her in the supply closet after their shift with a scrub top soaked with tears.

April never knew what it meant to be in love before. Or to know that for once in her life, she had been loved.

True to convention, she blamed herself.

She replayed the events of that particular morning over and over in her mind at night. He didn't want to, but she insisted. It might have been better to leave well enough alone, like her mother always said. But she never learned.

She passed him in the corridor on most days with a smile of pretence. They were back to normal now, the past few months never happened. Each time she felt that pang in her chest. It was only fair though; the punishment for having the knack of sticking her foot too far down her throat.

But it makes sense now, doesn't it? She could never have it both ways.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Written after watching 9x09 and having a lot of Japril feelings. Hope you like it :) This is also found on my livejournal.


End file.
